Sunday, 25 January 2015

Thank You Addiction

My drinking problem is the best thing that's ever happened to me.  Without it I would have probably remained asleep to all the truths and teachings that I've learned.  Without the self-loathing that over-drinking promoted I would not have began my search for healing.

I've read that addictions are about people searching for God, spirituality or truth.  We addicts, initially, found a higher realm while intoxicated or high.  We, originally, found a happy, worry-free place while using our intoxicant of choice... for a while.  When we discovered we were not getting that anymore, we seekers were nudged to stop the now painful ingestion of our substance. The initial experience we had as users and the need to recapture it's glow can be the spring board to seeking and finding true serenity and consciousness.  That's how it worked for me.

I remember the first 'spiritual' book I read and it floored me.  It was Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.  I randomly picked it off my sister's bookshelf.  She had never read it as it threatened to contradict her strict Catholic belief system.  I nabbed it for the same reason.  I loved the idea of a greater power that didn't have a human face but was more of a benevolent intelligence; an all loving, forgiving teacher of what we all know to be true in the seat of our souls.

When we can teach ourselves to rest in the presence of what IS, we can relearn what we've always known at the core of our being: that life is transient.  Good things will happen, bad things will happen, people will be cruel and people will be kind.  It is all OK.   We cannot ever learn to control others or our thoughts; nor should we try.  We can and should learn to control our reaction (or non-reaction) to those thoughts.  Every whispered attack, boast, desire for change or whim our mind sends our way can be observed without being followed by our previous egoistic, automatic reactions.  We are capable of this but it takes practice.

Marianne's wonderful books and the many others written are wonderful learning tools.  They repeat much of the same thing: happiness is not situational - it's a choice we make every moment of every day.

None of this is easy to learn but my addiction to alcohol and my search for healing will always be dear to my heart.  I am a vulnerable, human being searching for happiness and the end of fear.  Alcohol didn't do the trick but within myself are the tools I need to achieve enlightenment in all it's definitions.  I may be enlightened today and sick of mind tomorrow.

Everything is transient.

My eyes, ears, heart and soul are wide open to the naked truth of what is and what isn't. I am learning so much every day in my sober journey.  I know that my addiction served it's purpose.  I am here .. exactly where I am supposed to be.

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