Thursday, 17 July 2014

Day 85 ... did I say 85?

Never in a million years did I ever imagine I would make it to day 85 in my sober journey.  Previously, I have attempted to quit drinking literally hundreds of times.  Before this accomplishment my longest period of abstinence was thirty days and I drank to celebrate.  I only managed thirty days once in all my attempts.  Usually I lasted a week or less. 

I think each one of us has a limit to how much bullshit we can dish on ourselves and still carry on as if everything's ok.  I dished out a ton of crap in my drinking days.  I made so many sincere journal entries listing all the reasons to stop drinking.   I told the world I was quitting and then drank the next day.  I posted my abstinence intentions constantly in my sobriety chat rooms and always screwed up.  I really lost faith in myself and felt like a loser. 

Did something inside me change?  I have no idea but this time I feel my drinking days are over.  I know with certainty that if I drink, I will end up back where I started over six years ago when I realized I had a problem.  I will be making another valiant attempt to stop within two weeks of giving up my quit.

A huge help has been reading the blog entries and posts from those of you who gave up long term sobriety and have lived to regret it.  I have not read or heard of anyone who is glad they started up with the sauce again. 

I know there is still a big chance that I could relapse.  But I've been seeing some huge positive changes recently that I never saw in any previous quits and I don't want to lose these gains. 

I've blogged most days of the week since I started the first week of May.   Without trying, I've actually adopted the positive daily habit of coming here and blogging; something I've been striving to do for years.  I've been trying to form daily habits forever and am unable do anything habitually.  I have books on the subject.  I have never done anything consecutively in my life for any extended period of time... nothing!!   I have never, ever followed a diet for more than a day. I've bought half a dozen year long gym memberships and never went for more than the first few days or weeks.  I never get up or go to bed at the same time as the night before. I don't have any routine or rhythm to my life besides this one, little daily habit.

This is a clear example of how my life has changed.  I am achieving, with little effort, one of my goals in life.  I can't let this go.  After 57 years, I have an opportunity to live my life my way with no limitations or hindrances.  Imagine how joyful life will be when I'm able to totally release my ego's hold on me and immerse myself in the authentic life that I'm glimpsing lately. 

I have a long way to go, believe me... Mrs. D left a comment on a recent post here and I immediately thought she was going to tell me I am too into myself.  She is lovely and would never say something like that, but that's what I'm dealing with.  I have to work on my confidence and gain some self-love. 

Abstinence is necessary.  There's no doubt in my mind.  So, abstinent, I'll be.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, 85 days! That is so so awesome. Go you :). I to have only managed to go 30 days once. For me I can go the weekend without drinking but then comes Monday and back to old habits. I am back to day 1 again and I failed miserably yesterday. I am not giving up as it is people like you who inspire me. Cherie xx