It Wasn't Always Like This

I was trying to figure out when I decided that I had a problem with alcohol and after a bit of research, I realized that I have been attempting to control my drinking for more than seven years.  I was drinking too much and too often for about five years before that but you know how it is.  It takes a while to develop a problem, even more time to recognize it as a problem.

For you who are just starting out and reading my blog, it may seem that it's easy for me and that life is all sunshine and buttercups.  While I'll admit life is pretty darn good right now it wasn't always like this.  

I started to drink because it was there and sociably acceptable.  I began to do so heavily because my teenaged kids were causing me alarm and grief and I was a lonely single mother trying to make ends meet.  It seemed to buffer me from the guilt, frustration and fear I felt in my role of imperfect mother.

I continued to drink when those problems abated with the maturity of my children because the seed had been planted deeply.  I was used to being numb and the idea of being authentic did not appeal to me.  I did not want to be me. 

When hubby and I were alone most evenings, I cooked fabulous food and it seemed that we needed a bottle of red to complete the meal.  When friends or family would visit I would be the first one to pop the cork and offer wine to all.  We made our own so at $3.00 a bottle I could afford to be generous. 

Sometimes at 3:00 pm, I would allow myself to open the bottle with a little guilt that was soon overridden by the 'I deserve this' excuse.

Those seven years of constantly obsessing over my drinking and making one futile attempt after another to slow down are lost years.  I will not get them back.  Within that period, I had many enjoyable evenings that included booze but I also had countless memory lapses, burns, bruises, headaches, hangovers and inner turmoil.

My days were often filled with self-loathing and despair as no matter how honorable my intentions were, I could not kick alcohol to the curb.  I was as sincere about quitting then as I am now.  I've gone over the reasons I believe it's working now many times so I'll leave that issue alone at this time but I was never able to stop for a prolonged period until now.

I have discarded countless handwritten journal entries, notes to self and resolutions that exposed me as the failure I felt like at that time.  I know I should have kept them for posterity but they all said the same thing.  In them, I listed the reasons I should quit, made firm promises to quit and listed what habits would replace to booze drinking.   

I started numerous sobriety blogs that didn't go anywhere.  I announced my sobriety to my family, then usually took a drink within days. I was always in conflict with myself.  My soul wanted me to stop the insanity but my ego constantly justified an opportunity to drink. 

When I did break a period of abstinence, it seemed to happen behind my own back.  It's like I would come to and find a drink in my hand.  Whoa !! Where did this come from??  I'd then shrug and coast along until three a.m. when the self-loathing and half-assed promises would come to pass again.

I didn't think I had the willpower to succeed.  I turns out that I didn't need willpower at all.  We all do exactly what we truly want to do in life. 

At the time, I wanted to drink.  Now I don't.  It sounds simple and even arrogant to put it like that but it's my story.  If I wanted to drink I couldn't stop myself.  I never could.  I can't control my candy or coffee intake at the moment.  There's no use fighting it because I haven't reached the point where my soul is in line with my brain.  Who cares .. it's just candy and coffee. 

Now you might understand why I feel so much gratitude.  To who or what I am not sure; I'm thanking the universe at the moment.  I feel (and this is a little self-patronizing) that I have a purpose in this life and I am slowly aligning myself with the path I need to take to fulfill my destiny. 

My purpose may be an understated one; but a purpose all the same.  We all have one.