Tender Shoot of Serenity

It's ten days short of three months for me in the sober department of my life.  I am pleased to report that all is well and I've seen some vast improvements in many areas of my life since April 24th of this year.  You may interested to know how life has changed.

Right after my last drink, I immediately was relieved of my daily heart palpitations.  These frightening episodes were happening when I went to bed each night.  My heart would suddenly be beating loud enough for me to hear within my body and every minute or so it would stop it's regular rhythm and I would wait with baited breath for the next beat which would thankfully come heavily after a second or so.  I was a bit surprised to have this problem resolved by sobering up as I attributed it to menopause which I am starting.

My three a.m. horrible wake up calls went away immediately as well.  Like most heavy drinkers I would 'pass out' each night and sleep would come easily but at the ungodly hour of three a.m. I would often wake up feeling shaky, worrying, fretting, regretting and hating myself.  This was directly related to the physical practice of drinking alcohol so when I stopped, it did too.

Physically, I've lost a bit of weight even though I am eating candy like crazy and drinking silly, sweet fizzy drinks.  My eyes are sparkling and have lost that dull, sad look they had for years.  Today I noticed that I was actually glowing after my bath... really glowing... so much that I skipped the makeup.  My blood pressure which was on the verge of being medication worthy has dropped significantly.  I pee more now that I'm a tea fanatic and am far less dehydrated throughout the nights and in the mornings.

I've now began following through on plans and promises I make to others or to myself.  If I say I'm going to do something, I usually do it with no excuses, cancellations or postponements. I meet friends for meals, I shop for food before the fridge is empty, I dye my hair before I look like a battered old crone and generally take better care of my living space and personal hygiene. 

I noticed that I was more productive after the first few weeks of sobriety.  I am now able to accomplish a project with less stress and breaks.  This is beneficial when I am cooking for our large extended family; I am able to put together nutritious, delicious meals with no cuts or burns, better timing and a lack of exhaustion.  We are in the process of a big commercial and residential move and I've managed it single-handedly with only a bit of panic rather than a complete melt-down.

The biggest changes are the more subtle ones. 

I am beginning to be comfortable in my own skin.  On the weekends, I swim in the icy waters of the lake when I feel the urge rather than arguing with myself for half an hour until I give up on the idea.   I walk in the bush trail near my home for the simple pleasure of seeing the rabbits, blue herons, beavers, deer and turtles; not letting the mosquitos, ticks, heat, rain or my fear of loose dogs stop me.  I am now wearing my turquoise jewellery and native themed clothing that I find myself drawn to.  I've cut my hair short because I like it better that way despite what hubby wants.  When I rest and have a cup of tea, I am able to do so with little to no self-chastisement about what I could or should be doing.  I've managed to quiet or at least acknowledge the monkey that likes to attack me.. You know that monkey?  The one on my back.. we all have one.

These changes are reshaping my view of life and of myself and my place in this universe.

There is a new change that I can't put my finger on.  It's related to the self-expression I was just going on about but it reaches deeper than that.  It borders on gratitude and acceptance and circles around love.  It touches humility and fully embraces nature.  There is a seed of pure joy inside me that has only just been planted and I feel it bursting at the seams.

As I typed this I remembered that I talked about this seed in an early post.  I just looked it up.  On May 8th at ten days sober I wrote:

"There is a seed of change planted deeply inside my soul and it is germinating as I sit here now with my coffee blogging.  It was dormant for so many years and has finally felt the warmth and depth of my honest thoughts and actions.  This seed, like any other in nature,  could not be fooled by unseasonably warm weather.  It recognizes that my true spring has finally arrived.  If foul weather does not interrupt it, soon, it will split apart and a shoot will begin to grow."

I will carefully tend to this tiny shoot of serenity; I'll nurture it with stillness and kindness as it grows to full maturation.  In time, my life's purpose might slowly and gracefully unfold as it's beautiful, tender, vibrant petals. 

I feel a lot of gratitude at this moment.