Naked Honesty in Recovery

“The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself. You must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your right hand; you must see your left hand erasing it.” ~Margaret Atwood, from The Blind Assassin

While reading the wonderfully candid recovery blogs that have become my latest and most inspiring addiction, I came across the above quote.  It resonated with me because I always choose my words carefully so as not to offend present and future readers of my blog.  What if my kids eventually read this?  In my heart, I hope they do in order for them to fully know me and to encourage them to take risks and to "feel the fear and do it anyways".  What if people judge me?  As Dr. Seuss once said "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"  Easy to say, hard to do.

I will not try to sugar coat my words here on my blog because there is no shame in recovery.  The truth shall set me free (I am really a Miss Quote this morning).  I can't hold back because I do want to re-read my previous posts and find myself nodding and remembering life as it was as a struggling fledgling of sobriety.  I want to remember the bruises, the shame and the dirty little secrets I never told anyone. 

I want to remember pissing myself as I barfed up dinner at a friend's house after a double martini and a few glasses of red. 

I want to remember my son jerking away from me one morning saying "What smells?" as the alcohol reeked from my body. 

I want to remember falling down a flight of stairs dressed as a pumpkin one Hallowe'en celebration.

I want to remember all the broken promises, postponed dreams, numbed out sex, drunken and forgotten conversations, the three a.m. pounding heart, numerous burns from my oven and the stupid things I've said.

If I hold back and paint my former life with a rose coloured brush, then who am I kidding?  The horrors of the addicted life should be shared, not hidden.

So, I am vulnerable in my blog.  I am naked and exposed.  It's part of my recovery.