A Sober Revelation

Something became clear tonight.  A door opened that had been closed.  For the first time, I saw things clearly and understand much of my recent behaviour.
 
Here’s how the subconscious mind tricked me and how I figured it out.

I have been depressed for about five months, ever since my amazing French husband agreed that we would move from his home province of Quebec to my home province of Ontario.  This was fantastic news to me so I did not understand why I became depressed.  Because I am sober and open to really be honest with myself, and with the help of my husband, tonight I figured it out. 

Much of my depression has come out in sarcasm and low grade anger; I’ve become a bit of a bully for the first time in my life.  It seems that now that hubby has given me the OK to go home I am letting out all the grief I’ve held inside these past twelve years for missing my culture, language and the comfort of feeling at home.  I am grieving in a delayed reaction.  Because it’s almost over, I am allowing myself to feel the sadness and loneliness I’ve endured because being with my husband was worth it. 

Coincidently, we have had a wonderful life in Quebec together.  We’ve become members of a Harley Owner’s Club, ridden our bike all over North America and partied every weekend.  We ran a successful construction business together which we are moving to Ontario.  We’ve been very happy together and I am one of the fortunate people who can say with total confidence and sincerity that I am with my Soul Mate. 

But, being a very sociable, outgoing person, I've often felt excluded in the French world.  Sometimes, at the many parties we attended, I was ignored by people who were afraid of having to speak English but mostly it was self-imposed isolation due to a lack of confidence in my likeability and my French ability. 

Speaking French and interacting in my adopted community was made a lot easier when I added wine to the equation.  I wine drank every night whether alone with my husband or when we had visitors, which was frequent.  The weekends were made much more enjoyable with glass in hand. 

Now I’ve given up the booze crutch but we are still living and socializing here in Quebec while we work out the final house building details.  Instead of enjoying what's left of our time here and feeling euphoria for the future, I've been stuck in my negative mind set.

My ego needs someone to blame for my grief.  I’ve been especially cruel to the one I love the most; the one who loves me enough to give me the gift of Home.  He is the reason I came to Quebec and, without him, I would not be leaving.  He means more to me than going home.  He means everything to me.  Recently, I’ve often hurt him with my words.

As a fledgling, very early in recovery, my emotions are expected to be raw.  It is normal to feel more when not hiding behind the haze of alcohol.  It’s ok to feel grief.  It’s NOT ok to allow my ego to direct that grief towards one who deserves only kindness and thanks.   

I have been taught a very valuable lesson today.  I realize that what is, simply, is.  I will experience uncomfortable emotions that I may not wish to feel.  Instead of deflecting them in anger, I will learn to let them in, feel the pain and allow them to pass.  I don’t have to justify what I feel but I do have to justify my actions. 

By being conscious of dwelling in the present moment, I will enjoy my remaining time in Quebec.  While I’m still here I will embrace the rowdy, beer-swilling crew we’ve been outgrowing for a while but I will not drink.

Practicing meditation and gentle exercise will help process the residual sadness or anger that will, inevitably, crop up.  I will continue to self-nurture and try to remember to treat those I love with kindness.  I will not change overnight but, like I said, a door has been opened.

That negative voice in my head (my ego) has fed my addiction and now it’s working on fucking up my relationship.  What a cunning little devil he is. 

Knowledge is Power.  I know what’s going on now.  It’s up to me from here on in.