Preparing for the "What the Hell" Moment

It's coming!!  I know it's coming!

One evening it will happen.  Out of the blue, I will hear my alter-ego loud and clear.  She will say something along the lines of "Tonight I am having a glass of wine."  It won't be a dramatic moment.  It won't be well thought out.  It will be impulsive.  There will be no lead up to the moment.

I don't feel it coming.  I feel happy and content with my sobriety and I will right up to the time my alter-ego decides enough is enough.  That is the scary part.  In the past, I've broken my sobriety to make someone feel comfortable drinking, to celebrate thirty days of sobriety (duh??), to placate my hubby who wanted wine at a restaurant with dinner and for no damn reason at all. 

Inevitably, I end up having that first drink, which turns into two the next night, three for a few nights in a row followed by the grand finale of a drunken evening with all the bells and whistles such as vomiting, lurching about, making inappropriate comments, slurred speech, a burn or bruise or two and culminating with a three a.m. bout of guilt ridden insomnia. 

How do I prevent this from happening when I can't feel it coming? I am actually scared of my alter-ego, the part of me that hates myself.  That persona doesn't have my best interests at heart.  I wish I could bring this post to a close by having a plan of action in place to prevent that inevitability.  I need suggestions.  I need a game plan.  Every time I've quit, I've relapsed. 

The only thing I can think of is to try to have the presence of mind to direct myself to, at least re-read my posts here before taking the plunge. 

It's not that my confidence is slipping; I never had any in the first place.  What I have is determination, a serious desire for sobriety, hope and excitement for the future, plans to accomplish stuff I couldn't while drinking.  But confidence; that was shattered years ago after my thousandth relapse. 

I have to continue to immerse myself in the Bubble Hour and all the wonderful sobriety blogs and forums and amp up the meditation practice.  Daily immersion in sobriety may keep the self-defeating drinker in me at bay.

Today is day twenty one and the witching time is near; it's often around now that my sober spell is broken.  Please keep me in your thoughts and send positive energy my way.  I am doing all I can.