I Hit the Wall

After ten years of being unhappy in a twenty year marriage and wanting to leave but not being able to bring my self to do it, one day I hit a wall.  Nothing spectacular or awful happened that day.  There had been many previous times when I should have left but didn't but on that particular day, there was no turning back.  It was a calm, sure, quiet decision.  I left and never went back.  That was more than twenty years ago.

My relationship with a much more abusive partner ended in much the same way.  Vino and I started out as friends, meeting most weekends.  We either stayed in or went out for a meal sharing some laughs along the way.  Over the years, I noticed the time I spent with glass in hand was becoming more frequent but less exciting.  My life with Vino became mundane and I let him control me in that we never did much of anything I wanted to do.  We mostly stayed home but I brought him wherever I went.  Over time, I became aware that he cramped my style but I never seriously thought of kicking him to the curb.  There were a few incidents that left me sad, angry and disappointed in our match but had no effect on my decision to break off our relationship.  I just passively put up with his crap and sank further and further into the shadows of myself.  Occasionally I left for a few days with no real intention of a permanent break-up.  I just needed a few days away to clear my head or so I thought.

One non-descript morning after a night that included Vino's usual passive aggressive insistence on spending a little too much time together, something quietly snapped.  I didn't feel much of anything except a quiet determination to end the relationship.  I felt I could not move forward with Vino as I was at the end of a dead end road. I had hit a wall.  This happened on a Friday morning, no less.  The weekend stretched out before me, we were entertaining out of town company and everyone expected Vino to be there as he always had been.

Vino showed up and it seems that my visitors enjoyed his company but I kept a safe distance away from him.  When he came close, I murmured vague excuses about needing to be on my own and ignored my guest's puzzled looks and disapproving comments about how boring life would be for me without good old Vino around.

That was the first of many incidents that involved Vino over the next few weeks.  Each time he came by, I've ignored him and not thought much of it.  He always seems to arrive with the gang or even on his own but I've found a serene resolve to keep him out of my life. 

He is a conniving, manipulative sort so I have to keep my guard up and not let my good nature lead me back to our former, slowly destructive interactions.  Now that I've hit the wall, he'll soon get the message.  Although he may be present in my life forever as we share many of the same friends, I have lots of life to catch up on and I won't be including him in my future.  He'll get the message soon enough.