... and also a nut case. I swing from micro managing my life to letting everything go. I want structure; I need a morning ritual but at the same time I want to embrace each moment and live entirely in the present. I just ordered a book by an author called Scott Kiloby called Natural Rest for Addiction. He talks a lot about us addicts being addicted to, not only alcohol, but to change. I am a definite victim of the addiction to constant change, improvement, planning, goal-setting, lists, etc.
Even my last post indicated I was going to stop being self-critical by being extremely self-critical until I get to where I need to be in order for me to stop being self-critical.
Yes, a Morning Ritual may be the answer to quieting the mind but I think the sick part of my brain loves the idea of working towards a morning ritual in order to continue the constant barrage of self-attack that it entails.
I think I need a shrink. This new book will have to do for now.
If I could learn to live consciously, balance my work, play and sleep without rules, shoulda's, woulda's and coulda's then I will be happy. For now, I am learning.
I did a personality test where you are compared to a box, a rectangle or another respectable shape and after completing the questionnaire, I was labelled a Squiggly which is a cute way of saying I am all over the map.
I start projects, quit half-way through. I make plans, immediately discard them. I am so darn hard on myself for not living the perfect, holistic, healthy, spiritual life that my life is consumed with self-chastising.
I wanted to stop drinking to stop thinking about drinking and my darn ego has now taken up the battle of self-improvement. My ego needs to hog my mind space in order to be happy.
Hey EGO !!!! Move over!!! Make room for PRESENCE. Make room for CONSCIOUSNESS. Make room for SELF-LOVE and ACCEPTANCE. These heroes are on their way.
By hook or by crook I will quiet my mind.