Wednesday, 21 May 2014

I am a Squiggly

... and also a nut case.  I swing from micro managing my life to letting everything go.  I want structure; I need a morning ritual but at the same time I want to embrace each moment and live entirely in the present.  I just ordered a book by an author called Scott Kiloby called Natural Rest for Addiction.  He talks a lot about us addicts being addicted to, not only alcohol, but to change.  I am a definite victim of the addiction to constant change, improvement, planning, goal-setting, lists, etc.

Even my last post indicated I was going to stop being self-critical by being extremely self-critical until I get to where I need to be in order for me to stop being self-critical.

Yes, a Morning Ritual may be the answer to quieting the mind but I think the sick part of my brain loves the idea of working towards a morning ritual in order to continue the constant barrage of self-attack that it entails.

I think I need a shrink.  This new book will have to do for now.

If I could learn to live consciously, balance my work, play and sleep without rules, shoulda's, woulda's and coulda's then I will be happy.  For now, I am learning.

I did a personality test where you are compared to a box, a rectangle or another respectable shape and after completing the questionnaire, I was labelled a Squiggly which is a cute way of saying I am all over the map.

I start projects, quit half-way through.  I make plans, immediately discard them.  I am so darn hard on myself for not living the perfect, holistic, healthy, spiritual life that my life is consumed with self-chastising. 

I wanted to stop drinking to stop thinking about drinking and my darn ego has now taken up the battle of self-improvement.  My ego needs to hog my mind space in order to be happy. 

Hey EGO !!!!  Move over!!!  Make room for PRESENCE.  Make room for CONSCIOUSNESS.  Make room for SELF-LOVE and ACCEPTANCE.  These heroes are on their way.

By hook or by crook I will quiet my mind. 


  1. I'm so happy I found your blog, GGS!!!! Your last 2 posts eerily describe my experience - and you have expressed it so eloquently. Thanks also for the book recommendation, sounds like it will help me, yes, short of a shrink :) hugs to you, S xo

  2. Hello Deb, I'm so glad I've found your blog. I've just completed my first week of sobriety - eeeek! For what it's worth, to me 'Squiggly' sounds altogether more interesting than a regular shape.

  3. Hi and thanks for dropping by. I am really happy that there are more people going through this alongside me. I wish none of us had to go through it but misery loves company.. It' so difficult to quiet the mind when you are a people pleaser and don't have a lot of self-assurance and confidence. Together we will get stronger because we will keep at it way past becoming sober. Sobriety is just the beginning of our journey. We will become quietly self assured, content and present. It will take time and a lot of self-forgiveness but it will happen. Stay close and we'll enter the forest of discovery together. Yikes!!

  4. Just go with the flow. Know that you are in the middle of a healing are chipping away at the concrete that alcohol has poured over your emotions.. ride the waves.. they'll be crazy and toss you all over the show.. but keep on keep on keep on with the not drinking and things will start to smooth out. I think you are doing SO GREAT!! Loving your blog.. thanks so much for sharing with us out here in the sobersphere.. xxxx