Recovery: A New Perspective

I've been a member of an interactive message board for people like me; those trying to get a handle on their drinking, for over five years.  In my latest surge of commitment to sobriety, I've explored other related blogs, boards and websites for the first time.  Why I've only started to do so now is a good question...

The word "Recovery" is one that had not been thrown around too much in the cyber-places where I've hung out.  Since I've been following blogs written by women, who, like myself, are on their sobriety journey, the word keeps re-appearing and it's attached itself to my psyche in a way no other has.

Recovery means healing.  It implies taking care of oneself and 'getting better'.  It evokes thoughts of convalescing and self-nurture.  It is the true, apt word to describe the gentle detoxification of body, mind and spirit I am willfully going through.  I feel at home in Recovery. 

I didn't feel at home with abstinence, sobriety, alcoholism or addiction.  These words imply to me that I am weak needing willpower and determination to 'fix' myself.  These conjure up, what my ego would call, the bad me, the spineless me, the loser me.  For others, these words are springboards to healing but, as for me, I am in recovery.

I've grasped that word and hold it close to my heart.  I feel like a caterpillar who has spun a cocoon around itself and is resting inside, taking the time to get strong, to develop it's wings, to learn to be the new version of itself; the version that it was meant to be. 

One day soon, I will emerge as the transformed culmination of my years of suffering and hiding and my months of healing and recovery, as the radiant, ripe, beautiful woman who can soar to places previously unknown.  Once reborn as the light, unburdened butterfly, there will be no bounds to what I can accomplish.  I will have participated in a miracle of my own making and the future is limitless. 

I am content at this moment in time to remain in my little, healing cocoon and to hold myself lovingly, to feed my body nourishing foods, to feed my mind intelligent words and to feed my soul with self love and acceptance. 

As I practice spreading my wings this summer in early recovery, I will laugh often, play with my grandchildren, make glorious love to my husband, plant a small garden, swim and kayak in the cool water at the lake, create savoury, nutrient rich meals and often I will rest and observe without judgement... often I will just be. 

There is no rush to fully emerge.  Nature will tell me when I am ready.  For now, I am in Recovery.